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THE CASE AGAINST
THE PRESIDENT


We Uncover Clinton versus Jones!



ORAL ARGUMENTS:
PAULA JONES vs. BILL CLINTON:

Paula Jones charges that Bill Clinton had a state trooper invite her to a hotel room, where the then-governor fondled her, dropped his pants and urged her to perform oral sex ("kiss it"). Clinton says he doesn't remember ever even meeting Jones. The trooper, now dropped by Jones as a defendant in the suit, has said that Jones volunteered to be Clinton's girlfriend and later spoke of the money she could make by charging the president with harassment. To help you better understand this case, Comedy On Tap has broken down each side's description of the events that occurred in the hotel room, in their own legal terminology:

PAULA JONES TERMINOLOGY

CLINTON TERMINOLOGY

Performing sex on request ("kiss it")

Volunteerism

Removing underwear

De-briefing

Exposing his private parts

Reviewing the executive branch

Asking for oral sex

Requesting verbal intercourse

Copulation

A seat on the Gubernatorial Staff

Conducting affairs

Polling the electorate

UPDATES!

7/16/99

NOSE JOBS WEREN'T ENOUGH FOR HIM: Dr. Thomas W. Loeb, the surgeon who reshaped Paula Jones' nose has been sued by office assistant Christine Sabia, who claims he demanded oral sex as a condition for keeping her job. Christine Sabia said in court papers that immediately after Loeb did Mrs. Jones' surgery in July 1998, he went into his office, dropped his pants and demanded oral sex...

... Apparently Paula just brings that out in guys...

1/29/99

HE WOULDN'T RECOGNIZE HER NOW ANYWAY: Paula Jones crashed President Clinton's Arkansas homecoming, joining the audience while the president addressed a community hit hard last week by tornadoes, quickly leaving the site after Clinton's speech as he began to shake hands with those gathered to see him...

... Between Paula and the tornadoes that makes two big blows Clinton's missed in Arkansas...

1/15/99

DON'T WORRY, HILLARY -- YOU'LL RECOUP THAT WHITEWATER ANY DAY NOW: President Clinton paid Paula Jones $850,000 to settle the sexual harassment lawsuit that gave rise to the Monica Lewinsky scandal. Clinton administration officials told the New York Times that Clinton's Paula Jones pay-off was made with $475,000 from an insurance policy. The remainder was withdrawn from a blind trust in the name of Hillary Rodham Clinton...

... Blind trust is EXACTLY how you would describe the Clintons' relationship...

The $850,000 check President Clinton mailed to Paula Jones may be placed in the custody of U.S. District Judge Susan Webber Wright until a dispute between her two legal teams is resolved. Mrs. Jones must respond no later than Friday to an $874,000 claim in legal fees from her former lawyers, Joseph Cammarata and Gilbert Davis...

... Sounds like her lawyers are doing the same thing to her in court that Clinton tried to do in the hotel room...

11/15/98

THAT'S PAULA-TICS: President Clinton agreed to pay Paula Jones $850,000 to drop her sexual harassment lawsuit -- with no apology or admission of guilt...

... Not that paying someone accussing you of sexually harassing them $850,000 makes you seem INNOCENT...

An appeal of that dismissal was pending...

... As usual, Paula will present no appeal whatsoever to anyone...

The deal does not include the apology Mrs. Jones sought when she filed suit four years ago. ''Nothing in this agreement shall be construed to be an admission of liability or wrongdoing by any party,'' the lawyers' signed agreement said. Nearly half of the payment would come from Chubb Group Insurance...

... But when you think about it, who WOULDN'T pay her $850,000 to say she'd never had sex with them...?

10/30/98

MILLION DOLLAR SMILE (AND NOSE, AND CHIN, ETC.): Quirky New York real estate developer Abe Hirschfeld gave Paula Jones a $1 million check Saturday but made clear she cannot cash it unless she reaches a settlement in her sexual harassment suit against President Clinton...

... Cash it? With all that plastic surgery, good luck providing two types of ID with a picture that looks anything like her...

10/23/98

LOVE JONES: President Clinton has rejected a $2 million deal in the Paula Jones sexual harassment suit. The offer included a $1 million payment to Jones by eccentric real estate tycoon Abe Hirschfeld and a $1 million payment by Clinton, but no apology from the president for alleged sexual harassment...

... There's a switch -- now he's blowing HER off...

Jones is standing firm on making President Clinton pay to get rid of her sexual harassment lawsuit against him, but she is considering a package payoff less than her $1 million demand - plus as much as $1 million from New York real estate tycoon Abe Hirschfeld...

... And Clinton, as always, is just standing firm...

In written answers in the Paula Jones lawsuit, President Clinton testified that he had not had "sexual relations'' with any women who worked for the federal government or the state of Arkansas since 1986, a time frame set by the judge...

... Of course in some parts of Arkansas, "sexual relations" usually means your sister or cousin...

10/9/98

LOVE JONES: President Clinton's lawyers have raised their settlement offer in the Paula Jones sexual harassment case to $700,000, still short of the $1 million she wanted, a source close to the case said...

... Hey - plastic surgery doesn't grow on trees, 'ya know...

Paula Jones is standing firm on making President Clinton pay to get rid of her sexual harassment lawsuit against him, but she is considering a package payoff less than her $1 million demand - plus as much as $1 million from New York real estate tycoon Abe Hirschfeld...

... And Clinton, as always, is just standing firm...

Multimillionaire Abe Hirschfeld said he's offering Paula Jones $1 million to settle her sexual harassment lawsuit against President Clinton. Hirschfeld, a real estate developer, theater producer and frequent political candidate, said he believed the lawsuit and the investigation of Clinton by special prosecutor Kenneth Starr had brought Washington "to a complete standstill..."

... Actually that's probably a GOOD thing...

10/2/98

NEVER SAY "SETTLE" TO A WOMAN WITH PLASTIC SURGERY: The Washington Post reported Clinton lawyers are trying to settle quickly with Paula Jones...

... Throw in some liposuction and a boob job - it'll be settled...

David Pyke, lawyer for Paula Jones, said he was "very optimistic'' her sexual harassment lawsuit against President Clinton will be settled. Pyke told NBC's Meet the Press that, quote: "I believe that we have put an offer on the table that should be accepted and will be accepted eventually. I don't know if that's going to happen in a day or a week or a month but I'm very optimistic,'' he said...

... They won't quit until HE'S on his knees...

... If they offer to give you some land on the Whitewater development, turn it down quickly...

9/11/98

MINNESOTA? IT'S COLDER THAN A LITIGANT'S T*T THERE! A three-member panel of the 8th U. S. Circuit Court of Appeals in St. Paul, Minn., will hear the oral arguments next month of Paula Jones' sexual harassment case against President Clinton...

... That's about the only kind of argument your hear concerning the president...

9/11/98

UH...HOORAY? Paula Jones feels vindicated by Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr's report to Congress on President Clinton's relationship with a former White House intern, her former spokeswoman said. Susan Carpenter-McMillan said. "Had it not been for her, none of this would have been known. ... Without her lawsuit, he wouldn't have perjured himself..."

... And Paula would still be living in a trailer park with a hook nose and bad hair...

8/21/98


THE QUICK WAY TO LOSE TEN POUNDS: Paula Jones showed off her nose job on "PrimeTime Live'' on ABC. "I just said I wanted a normal nose to match my face, and he said 'Trust me,' and I said, 'OK,'" Mrs. Jones said. "Now they can see my whole face. The whole me..."

... As soon as she testifies again it'll grow right back...

7/30/98

STILL GAGGING: President Clinton renewed his opposition to public disclosure of depositions and other material gathered in the sexual harassment suit filed against him by Paula Jones...

... He's learned his lesson about exposing what's in your briefs...

7/23/98

PAULA LOSES HER HOOK: Paula Jones apparently had a $9,000 rhinoplasty (nose job) at the Park Avenue office of New York plastic surgeon Dr. Thomas Loeb, according to both The New York Post and New York Daily News. The Post, citing unidentified sources, said the money for the operation came from an anonymous donor...

... Probably Clinton, so he can say he doesn't recognize her in court...

7/3/98

UNSEALED WITH A KISS-OFF: U.S. District Judge Susan Webber Wright ordered most of the court filings in Paula Jones' sexual-harassment lawsuit against President Clinton unsealed - but will give the case's principals ten days to appeal...

... Sadly, there's nothing left to release that hasn't been leaked already...

6/15/98

HERE'S A NEW ONE - PAULA IS ASKING SOMEBODY ELSE FOR A JOB: Star magazine reports that Paula Jones has lined up a renowned New York plastic surgeon, Dr. Thomas Loeb, to give her a nose job...

... It's not that painful anymore, and she's used to feeling a prick on her face...

6/12/98

JUDGE LIKES PAULA TO REMAIN TIGHT-LIPPED: In Little Rock, Ark., U.S. District Judge Susan Webber Wright is reconsidering her decision to close files and impose a gag order in Paula Jones' sexual harassment lawsuit against President Clinton. Acting on orders from an appeals court, Wright gave media lawyers until June 19 to persuade her that privacy concerns aren't strong enough for her to maintain a confidentiality order in the case...

... I know when I hear the story and look at Paula, I gag...

5/22/98

O.J. CUTS UP: Bill Clinton has one defender whose support he may not be seeking - O.J. Simpson. It seems the President has Simpson's sympathy in the Paula Jones and Monica Lewinsky scandals. "If it's true what happened to Paula Jones, simply for hitting on a dog like her, he should do 30 days. Other than that, I don't think it's anybody's business," Simpson told the Weekly Standard's Matt Labash...

... In fact O.J. says that if he'd just killed her he could get away with no jail time at all...

5/7/98

PAULA'S MOUTHPIECE? CLINTON WANTS TO MEET HER: Susan Carpenter-McMillan, spokesperson for Paula Jones, promises she "will always be there for Paula to defend her and be her friend," but is now returning to her other beloved cause -- chemical castration for child molesters...

... Let's hope she doesn't get her causes mixed up, or Clinton could be delivering his next State of the Union speech in a very high voice...

4/30/98

PAULA STILL REFUSING TO ROLL OVER: Paula Corbin Jones has filed a four-page notice of appeal with the 8th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in St. Louis, challenging the April 1 decision to throw out her sexual harassment case. Her attorneys say they have strong reasons why the suit should resume...

... And Paula owes them several hundred thousand of them...

... Hey, she's got a new make-over, fixed teeth, she flies to correspondents' dinners in Washington -- if anything, Clinton has made her life BETTER...

WHAT DID PAULA EAT -- THE CROW? Paula Jones, the woman who accused President Clinton of sexual harassment, shared the spotlight with him at a star-studded dinner Saturday night. Movie stars Sharon Stone, Michael Douglas and Warren Beatty were among the entertainment luminaries attending the event. As Jones passed through the ornate lobby of the Hilton Hotel, several hundred people, including tuxedo clad and sequined-gowned guests, booed loudly...

... When they boo you more than Sharon Stone, you know you're in trouble...

4/23/98

THEY'RE CHANGING THEIR NAME FROM "NOW" TO "LATER:" The National Organization for Women said it would not file a brief in support of Paula Jones' sexual harassment case against President Clinton. NOW president Patricia Ireland said Jones was being backed by "disreputable right wing organizations, who themselves have a longstanding political interest in undermining our movement to strengthen women's rights and weakening the laws that protect those rights..."

... Hey ladies - better check your bosses voter registration before you so into a room alone with him. If he's a Democrat - it's open season!

4/10/98

YOU DON'T OFTEN SEE THE WORDS "PAULA JONES" AND "APPEAL" IN THE SAME SENTENCE: Paula Jones has decided to appeal a federal judge's dismissal of her sexual harassment case against the president. Meanwhile, a federal appeals court ordered the judge in Paula Jones' sexual harassment case against President Clinton to reconsider her gag order...

... Bill Clinton tried to gag her enough already...

4/1/98

IT'S OVER!!!


"How will I celebrate the legal victory? I plan to sit quietly in my hotel room, do a little reading, and ponder life's strange twists and turns before having a glass of warm milk, saying a little prayer, and climbing into bed for a long, restful night of solitary sleep."

THAT'S PAULA-TICS: In a major legal victory for President Clinton, Federal Judge Susan Webber Wright has dismissed the sexual harassment lawsuit that Paula Jones filed against him four years ago. Jones is said to be in shock, while Clinton asked in fact if the news was an April Fool's joke. In a 40-page ruling, U.S. District Judge Susan Webber Wright ruled today that Jones, a former Arkansas state clerk, does not have a case "worthy of submitting to a jury..."

...Let me get this straight: President Clinton was charged with whipping it out and the case was thrown out for lack of evidence? These jokes are writing themselves...

... Apparently Clinton saw something different in her case five years ago...

... This just in -- Paula is now suing the judge for ruining her chances for career advancement...

IT AIN'T OVER 'TIL THE FAT PRESIDENT SINGS: Matt Drudge reported that video footage shot by a news crew through an open hotel window where President Clinton was staying in Dakar, Sengal, showed the president dancing around, smoking a cigar, and banging an African drum hours after judge threw out the sex case...

... "NOW BRING ON THE RECEPTIONISTS FROM DOWNSTAIRS!!!"

WRIGHT WING CONSPIRACY: The conservative foundation that is financing the Paula Jones sexual harassment lawsuit against President Clinton, the tax-exempt Rutherford Institute, says it will appeal the judge's decision to end the suit. In a statement from its headquarters in Charlottesville, they announced, "We will appeal this decision to the 8th (U.S.) Circuit Court of Appeals immediately, and confidently seek redress for Mrs. Jones's grievances for as long as necessary, even to the Supreme Court of the United States...''

... If Paula had appeal, maybe the judge could have bought her case a little easier...

HOW MUCH DID THE JUDGE COST? With a huge legal embarrassment lifted from his presidency, President Clinton celebrated the dismissal of Paula Jones' sexual harassment lawsuit by going on a celebratory shopping spree with Hillary...

... First stop, to buy a lock for his zipper...

3/31/98

GAGGING THE GAG ORDER: Judge Susan Webber Wright warned lawyers on both sides of the Paula Jones mess to stop discussing the lives of women who are alleged to have had sexual relations with Clinton. She warned lawyers that they would be hit with sanctions if they persisted, and also indicated that she would rule soon on Clinton's motion for summary dismissal...

... Jones' lawyers immediately accused Wright of having sex with President Clinton...

3/20/98

CAN WE EXPECT THIS TO BE RECYCLED IN A GORE ADMINISTRATION? President Clinton's lawyer called Paula Jones' sexual harassment suit "garbage" and asked an Arkansas court to toss it out...

... Clinton's the one that keeps taking out the trash...

3/17/98

IT'S A BULL MARKET -- EVEN THOUGH CLINTON WAS KIND OF BARE-ISH: The White House denied a rumor on Wall Street that President Clinton was going to take a polygraph test to answer sex allegations about him. The rumor appeared to have little impact on financial markets but was a talking point among bond traders...

... In two hundred years the presidential motto has gone from "I cannot tell a lie" to "I cannot take a lie detector test..."

3/10/98

"WHAT, ME WORRY?"

Reporter David Brock, apologizing for the Troopergate scandal: Does he work for "The American Spectator" or "Mad?"

BROCK-HEAD: David Brock, a reporter whose 1993 magazine article set the Paula Jones sexual harassment lawsuit in motion, apologized to President Bill Clinton on Monday, saying Clinton's enemies were behind the story. Brock, whose report appeared in the conservative magazine "American Spectator," said in an open letter to Clinton in April's edition of "Esquire" magazine that Arkansas state troopers who maligned Clinton's character were motivated by anger and greed, and that he now had grave doubts about their credibility. In his 1993 story, Brock said state troopers who were Clinton's bodyguards when he was Arkansas' governor regularly procured women for extramarital affairs with him...

... Apparently the information was learned in a series of oral interviews, and he now believes that oral doesn't count...

3/2/98

NO WONDER SHE WON'T SETTLE - SHE'S MAKING TOO MUCH MONEY: The Chicago Tribune reported that Paula Jones is receiving money from a fund set up to pay legal expenses in her sexual harassment suit against President Clinton. About $100,000 from the fund has gone into a personal account controlled by Jones, while her lawyers haven't received any of the money. The Paula Jones Legal Fund solicits donations through a direct mail campaign and an Internet site. The newspaper said Jones has been dividing the revenues with the marketing firms that helped establish the direct mail campaign...

... So this former receptionist has earned $100,000, got a free make-over, and has been offered hundreds of thousands more to pose in magazines. It's terrible how Clinton has ruined her life...

2/25/98

PAYING FOR A PENAL OFFENSE: Lawyers representing Paula Jones in her sexual harassment lawsuit against President Clinton say his side recently made a settlement offer and then withdrew it. Attorney Donovan Campbell Jr. says for a "brief period of time'' the two sides were less than $200,000 apart on resolving the lawsuit before trial...

... It was held out there for a brief period of time, then the president withdrew it? So what's new?

Meanwhile, in a sealed deposition in late 1997, Paula Jones added new details to her account of being propositioned by President Clinton in 1991 when he was governor of Arkansas, The Washington Post reported. The newspaper said Jones, interviewed under oath as part of her lawsuit, claimed Clinton momentarily stopped her from opening a door when she tried to leave the hotel suite where they met. She also revised her original description of the advance to say that Clinton tried to kiss her twice and that when he put his hand under her culottes he tried to reach her crotch...

... Another glad-handing politician...

2/17/98

GIVING HER THE WILLEYS: Julie Hiatt Steele of Richmond, Va., told President Clinton's lawyers that she was asked to lie about a friend's allegation that Clinton made a sexual advance in the White House. The account by Steele raises questions about the claims of Kathleen Willey -- who reportedly said in a deposition that the president made a pass at her in 1993. Ms. Steele's lawyer, John West, said Ms. Willey told his client, "It would be okay if you lied...''

... Whether Clinton or this woman is lying, we've still got an exposed Willey to deal with...

2/3/98

AN AFFAIR NOT TO REMEMBER: The New York Times reported that lawyers for Paula Jones have been unable to find any credible new witnesses who are willing to swear under oath that they had a sexual relationship with President Clinton. "Although private investigators for Mrs. Jones have crisscrossed the country interviewing women rumored to have been involved with the president, at least five of the women have denied the rumors in pretrial depositions... Only two have described affairs with Clinton..."

... The other 2000 claim it was just ORAL sex...

1/29/98

"WORKING UNDER CLINTON" CAN MEAN MORE THAN ONE THING: The "London Telegraph" is reporting that Paula Jones' husband, Steven Jones, says the Jones lawsuit witness list includes more than 100 women who allegedly had sexual encounters with the president, either because they were government employees working under Mr. Clinton, or because they were allegedly solicited for him by police officers, or were victims of coercive and predatory behavior...

... To paraphrase James Carville, it's amazing who you can sleep with when you wave a hundred dollar bill through a trailer park...

1/26/98

PAULA LEAVES BILL HANGING AGAIN: President Clinton's lawyers asked a federal judge to move up Paula Corbin Jones' sexual harassment trial, saying her lawyers had teamed with the Whitewater prosecutor to destroy him. They argued the case has become too much of a distraction for Clinton to effectively run the country...

... Now that Lewinsky is out of the White House, he should have plenty of extra time...

... You know Clinton's in deep trouble when the only way to distract the public from the latest sex scandal is by bringing up Paula Jones...

1/22/98

SLEEPING HER WAY TO THE MIDDLE: It was revealed today that U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Bill Richardson offered Monica Lewinsky, now under suspicion for possibly lying about an affair with Bill Clinton during her testimony in the Paula Jones case, a job at the U.S. Mission in New York...

... Was that "postion at the mission" or "missionary position...?"

1/21/98

INTERN-AL AFFAIRS: Independent counsel Kenneth W. Starr has expanded his investigation of President Clinton to examine whether Clinton and his close friend Vernon E. Jordan Jr. encouraged a 24-year-old former White House intern, Monica Lewinsky, to lie to lawyers for Paula Jones about whether the intern had an affair with the president...

... How can Starr keep the two cases straight? One deal involves buying private land, and one involves squatting on government property...

FUN IN THE OVAL ORIFICE: Rumors have swirled recently that a 21-year-old intern was a frequent visitor to a small study just off the Oval Office where she claimed to have carried on with the president. Reports of the relationship began to circulate around Washington, and she was moved to a job at the Pentagon, where she worked until last week...

... One good job performed for the government leads to another...

1/17/98

PAULA PROBES CLINTON -- HOW'S THAT FOR IRONY? President Clinton faced Paula Jones for nearly six hours on Saturday, giving sworn testimony on her sexual harassment lawsuit. According to CBS, President Clinton was probed under oath about four women who have sworn that he made sexual advances towards them....

... Hillary wasn't present -- then again he's NEVER hit on her...

 

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