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  • Monica Lewinsky:
  • "GREAT ARE THE MYTHS"


    by Walt Whitman

    "Youth, large, lusty loving -
    Youth, full of grace, force, fascination!
    Do you know that Old Age may come after you,
    with equal grace, force, fascination?"

    -- A poem from the Walt Whitman book "Leaves of Grass." (The collection of poems given by President Clinton to White House intern Monica Lewinsky.)

    SHE SAID A MOUTHFUL: THE FACTS ABOUT MONICA LEWINSKY

    BIG BLOWHARD: In the summer of 1995, she was a 21-year-old intern in the office of White House Chief of Staff Leon Panetta. By November she had become a staff assistant in Office of Legislative Affairs ("affairs" apparently being the key word). Reportedly, she bragged to friends about her sexual relationship with the president, and word leaked. So in April, 1996, she was transferred to the Pentagon as the Assistant to the Assistant Secretary of Defense for Public Affairs, where she held TS-SCI clearance, allowing access to top secret and sensitive government property...

    Result: Hey, if you "handle sensitive government property" with enough dexterity you can go FAR...


    THE STARR REPORT:
    A BLOW-BY-BLOW ACCOUNT

    Kenneth Starr's X-rated report on President Clinton and Monica Lewinsky debuted last week on the Internet, but that hasn't stopped it from being a big seller as a book. The paperback versions rushed out by three publishers are selling fast...

    ... It hasn't hurt cigar sales, either...

    SOUNDS LIKE THEY BOTH HAVE AN ORAL FIXATION: Lewinsky told the prosecutors: "[W]e made an arrangement that . . . he would have the door to his office open, and I would pass by the office with some papers and then . . . he would sort of stop me and invite me in. So, that was exactly what happened. I passed by and that was actually when I saw [Secret Service Uniformed Officer] Lew Fox who was on duty outside the Oval Office, and stopped and spoke with Lew for a few minutes, and then the President came out and said, oh, hey, Monica . . . come on in . . . . And so we spoke for about 10 minutes in the [Oval] office. We sat on the sofas. Then we went into the back study and we were intimate in the bathroom.(205) Ms. Lewinsky testified that during this bathroom encounter, she and the President kissed, and he touched her bare breasts with his hands and his mouth.(206) The President "was talking about performing oral sex on me," according to Ms. Lewinsky.(207) But she stopped him because she was menstruating and he did not.(208) Ms. Lewinsky did perform oral sex on him. Afterward, she and the President moved to the Oval Office and talked. According to Ms. Lewinsky: "[H]e was chewing on a cigar. And then he had the cigar in his hand and he was kind of looking at the cigar in . . . sort of a naughty way. And so . . . I looked at the cigar and I looked at him and I said, we can do that, too, some time."(210)...

    ... He offered her a seat on the White House staff...

    AWAITING HER NATION'S CALL: We had ... phone sex for the first time the week prior, and I was feeling a little bit insecure about whether he had liked it or didn't like it .... I didn't know if this was sort of developing into some kind of a longer-term relationship than what I thought it initially might have been, that maybe he had some regular girlfriend who was furloughed....(221)

    ... If you check her dress Monica wasn't furloughed -- she received a discharge...

    According to Ms. Lewinsky, she questioned the President about his interest in her. "I asked him why he doesn't ask me any questions about myself, and ... is this just about sex ... or do you have some interest in trying to get to know me as a person?"(222) The President laughed and said, according to Ms. Lewinsky, that "he cherishes the time that he had with me."(223) She considered it "a little bit odd" for him to speak of cherishing their time together "when I felt like he didn't really even know me yet."(224) ...

    ... Hey, that's the kind of relationship guys cherish the MOST...

    They continued talking as they went to the hallway by the study. Then, with Ms. Lewinsky in mid-sentence, "he just started kissing me."(225) He lifted her top and touched her breasts with his hands and mouth.(226) According to Ms. Lewinsky, the President "unzipped his pants and sort of exposed himself," and she performed oral sex...

    ... He displayed the Executive Branch...

    On Sunday, March 31, 1996, according to Ms. Lewinsky, she and the President resumed their sexual contact.(264) Ms. Lewinsky was at the White House from 10:21 a.m. to 4:27 p.m. on that day.(265) The President was in the Oval Office from 3:00 to 5:46 p.m.(266) His only call while in the Oval Office was from 3:06 to 3:07 p.m.(267) Mrs. Clinton was in Ireland.(268) In the hallway by the study, the President and Ms. Lewinsky kissed. On this occasion, according to Ms. Lewinsky, "he focused on me pretty exclusively," kissing her bare breasts and fondling her genitals.(272) At one point, the President inserted a cigar into Ms. Lewinsky's vagina, then put the cigar in his mouth and said: "It tastes good."...

    ... Did he inhale...?

     


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