Comedy On Tap Daily Newsletter
The Justice Department revealed Wednesday that the seven-month
legal struggle over Elian Gonzalez cost U.S. taxpayers $1,826,000…
... The last
time Clinton made a decision about where to put a Cuban
he was impeached...
the ATF capture Elian from the closet!!!
For the second year running, a Polish woman has outscreamed
300 competitors from four countries to take the top prize
at Europe's only vocal noise competition. Dagmara Stanek
let out a sustained scream rated at 126.1 decibels, a volume
comparable to the sound produced by a pneumatic hammer…
... And her husband STILL pretends that he doesn't hear
performing an exorcism, seven Mexicans were killed when
the room in which they were holding the rite filled with
carbon monoxide fumes from burning coal, poisoning them…
For those keeping score: Satan 7, Exorcists 0…
Fifty-one million viewers made the finale of CBS' reality
series "Survivor" the most watched TV program this season
except for the Super Bowl...
Regis Philbin announced this morning that he would perform
all future episodes of "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" naked
while eating rats...
a key figure in the Democratic fund-raising scandal surrounding
Vice President Al Gore’s 1996 visit to a Buddhist temple,
was convicted on charges she hid $109,000 in illegal contributions…
... How did
she get the money laundered? "Ancient Chinese secret, huh?"
ON TAP Dennis Rodman is being
sued for $10 million by a woman who claims he raped her
after they met in a bar last summer. She said she felt woozy,
passed out, woke up at 5am to find Dennis sitting at her
feet, then he assaulted her and she then waited ten days
to report it...
Now, knowing Dennis Rodman--do you think he could shut up
for ten days about something like that?
DIVORCED, MARRIED, IN JAIL OR PREGNANT Anne
Heche was admitted to a Fresno, California, hospital Saturday
after parking her car along a highway and walking about
a mile to a rural home in Cantua Creek, where made bizarre
statements to the occupants - just hours after her breakup
with Ellen DeGeneres...
Somebody set her up with Margot Kidder...
For men in France, obtaining
a vasectomy has long been all but impossible, thanks to
a 200-year-old Napoleonic law prohibiting self-mutilation.
Now, a new cross-channel "vasectomy tourism service" set
up by a British sexual health charity, is targeting Frenchmen
with the offer of a vasectomy for $300 at one of its clinics
in London or Ashford - both stops on the Eurostar rail line
from Paris - and the suggestion the operation be incorporated
into a day trip to Britain...
MOON NEWS Transvestite snakes may seduce
unsuspecting males in order to sap their competitors' energy-allowing
them to get it on with the real females at their leisure.
The idea follows the study of male garter snakes, some of
which fool other males into mating with them by secreting
female chemicals from their skin. The reason for this strange
behavior has been a mystery since its discovery 15 years
ago. But now Rick Shine, an evolutionary biologist from
the University of Sydney, and his colleagues from Oregon
State University, Corvallis, think they have worked out
the evolutionary strategy behind this twisted twisting act
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ON TAP’S TODAY IN HISTORY
1976, tennis pro Jennifer Capriati was born...
... Judging by her arrest record, she
must prefer to play tennis on grass...
In 1847, Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the
telephone, was born...
... That name would develop a familiar ring to it...
In 1920, actor James Doohan was born.
Best known as “Star Trek’s” chief engineer Scotty, Doohan
is also due to become a new father. He’s 80 years old today…
… Those dilithium crystals make Viagra look like baby
In 1933, Mount
Rushmore, honoring Presidents Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln,
& Teddy Roosevelt, was dedicated. It was completed on
October 31, 1941...
... Most of the blasting was done, but they still
had to sit around and pick at their noses for another eight
1994, Chesty Love, an exotic dancer, legally claimed her
surgical breast implants as a business expense...
Before that she paid a flat tax...
A guy calls his wife from the emergency
room. He tells her that his finger got cut off at the construction
site where he works. "Oh my God!!" cries the woman. "The
whole finger?" "No," replies the guy. "The one next to it!"
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