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The Comedy On Tap Daily Newsletter

ILLEGAL ELIAN: The Justice Department revealed Wednesday that the seven-month legal struggle over Elian Gonzalez cost U.S. taxpayers $1,826,000…

 ... The last time Clinton made a decision about where to put a Cuban he was impeached...  

Watch the ATF capture Elian from the closet!!!

WHAT? For the second year running, a Polish woman has outscreamed 300 competitors from four countries to take the top prize at Europe's only vocal noise competition. Dagmara Stanek let out a sustained scream rated at 126.1 decibels, a volume comparable to the sound produced by a pneumatic hammer…

... And her husband STILL pretends that he doesn't hear her...

While performing an exorcism, seven Mexicans were killed when the room in which they were holding the rite filled with carbon monoxide fumes from burning coal, poisoning them…

… For those keeping score: Satan 7, Exorcists 0…

ENTERTAINMENT: Fifty-one million viewers made the finale of CBS' reality series "Survivor" the most watched TV program this season except for the Super Bowl...

.. Regis Philbin announced this morning that he would perform all future episodes of "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" naked while eating rats...

POLITICS Maria Hsia, a key figure in the Democratic fund-raising scandal surrounding Vice President Al Gore’s 1996 visit to a Buddhist temple, was convicted on charges she hid $109,000 in illegal contributions…

 ... How did she get the money laundered? "Ancient Chinese secret, huh?"

SPORTS ON TAP Dennis Rodman is being sued for $10 million by a woman who claims he raped her after they met in a bar last summer. She said she felt woozy, passed out, woke up at 5am to find Dennis sitting at her feet, then he assaulted her and she then waited ten days to report it...

... Now, knowing Dennis Rodman--do you think he could shut up for ten days about something like that?

DEAD, DIVORCED, MARRIED, IN JAIL OR PREGNANT Anne Heche was admitted to a Fresno, California, hospital Saturday after parking her car along a highway and walking about a mile to a rural home in Cantua Creek, where made bizarre statements to the occupants - just hours after her breakup with Ellen DeGeneres...

... Somebody set her up with Margot Kidder...

TASTELESS For men in France, obtaining a vasectomy has long been all but impossible, thanks to a 200-year-old Napoleonic law prohibiting self-mutilation. Now, a new cross-channel "vasectomy tourism service" set up by a British sexual health charity, is targeting Frenchmen with the offer of a vasectomy for $300 at one of its clinics in London or Ashford - both stops on the Eurostar rail line from Paris - and the suggestion the operation be incorporated into a day trip to Britain...

...Fish & Snips?...

BLUE MOON NEWS Transvestite snakes may seduce unsuspecting males in order to sap their competitors' energy-allowing them to get it on with the real females at their leisure. The idea follows the study of male garter snakes, some of which fool other males into mating with them by secreting female chemicals from their skin. The reason for this strange behavior has been a mystery since its discovery 15 years ago. But now Rick Shine, an evolutionary biologist from the University of Sydney, and his colleagues from Oregon State University, Corvallis, think they have worked out the evolutionary strategy behind this twisted twisting act of Nature...

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COMEDY ON TAP’S TODAY IN HISTORY

BIRTHDAYS

In 1976, tennis pro Jennifer Capriati was born...

 ... Judging by her arrest record, she must prefer to play tennis on grass...

In 1847, Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, was born...

... That name would develop a familiar ring to it...

In 1920, actor James Doohan was born. Best known as “Star Trek’s” chief engineer Scotty, Doohan is also due to become a new father. He’s 80 years old today…

… Those dilithium crystals make Viagra look like baby aspirin!…

TODAY

In 1933, Mount Rushmore, honoring Presidents Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, & Teddy Roosevelt, was dedicated. It was completed on October 31, 1941...

... Most of the blasting was done, but they still had to sit around and pick at their noses for another eight years...

In 1994, Chesty Love, an exotic dancer, legally claimed her surgical breast implants as a business expense...

... Before that she paid a flat tax...

THE JOKEMAN A guy calls his wife from the emergency room. He tells her that his finger got cut off at the construction site where he works. "Oh my God!!" cries the woman. "The whole finger?" "No," replies the guy. "The one next to it!"

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