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I thought that of anything in the entertainment business, New York radio is certainly the thing that I've completely dominated. I mean, I was Rush Limbaugh's writer for four years, Jay Thomas' sidekick and producer for three years. SONY Worldwide in NY hired me to develop their entire radio network (boy, there's another story) - I even wrote for Mario Cuomo...

... Before you ask, Mario is like watching paint dry.

Anyway, just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, I get the call: It's Gary Dellabate' of the Howard Stern Show. Their head writer and sidekick, Jackie "The Jokeman" Martling has quit after 15 years and Howard's agent is highly recommending me as the replacement. They want me in for a week, on the air and feeding Howard one-liners.

Now, anybody that knows me, knows that I believe Hollywood has a propensity of rewarding Psychos and Retards. Take a look at some recent Oscar contenders: Forrest Gump,
Hannibal, Rain Man, Shine - the list goes on and on. Beleive me - If you can be a good retard or psycho, you're going places in this business. But I was not prepared for the level I was about to be exposed to:

At two in the morning, I skip out of my Manhattan hotel to get the paper and a big, big coffee. A crack whore comes with me, to let me know how her life is going. She's literally grabbing my shirt and screaming at me...

I hate New York:

You know how in the movies and television, they're always romanticizing the streets of New York? There's always a little rain and the steam is coming up through the ground in slo-mo as the lovely couple strolls beneath the neon broadway signs. Let's get this straight: First of all, there's garbage EVERYWHERE. Stinky, filthy garbage. It stinks. Bad.

Secondly, you know that "steam" that's coming up through the ground? That's the sewer, folks. That steam is coming off other people's doody. It is so fuckin gross, I almost gagged every morning.

But this morning, I'm actually jogging to get away from the crack whore, and dodging cabs, hopping over piles of orange rhines and trying to read the stock market returns on this HUGE neon ticker in Times Square. Now think about that: Who is so busy that they have to check their stocks on the outside ticker? What - do homeless people have 401k's they're worried about? I half expected the crack whore to stop mid-pitch and say, "Oh fuck - Lucent is down a quarter!"

So I get to the building where the show is taped, and I must step over a poor soul, laying in the gutter, clutching some flowers and talking to herself. A pitiful, affected, probably retarded homeless woman...

... She was Howard's second guest that day. She's booked for another appearance...

I'm probably not... -- Rodney Lee

NEXT: In a futile attempt to bond with the rest of the
staff, Rodney Lee goes to a strip club with 25 members of
The Howard Stern Show. Someone should have explained the
rules to him. But predictably, my psychotic behavior does
garner another appearance on the show!

Rodney Lee lives in Toluca Lake, Ca. and writes political commentary and humor for online entertainment powerhouses "Comedy On Tap" and "SportsHollywood"

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